Chapter 5
The last few days my focus had been totally off. I don’t know if it was from Cartier’s visit or the fact that the kids were out the rest of the school year due to COVID-19. And, the fact the government was willing to reopen the country, when they didn’t have a cure or vaccine. Genocide of the people they were sworn to protect. But that’s America.
“Mom, we don’t have any more milk,” Sarabi yelled from the kitchen. “You want me to do the online order for Wal-Mart?”
“Yeah, that fines,” I told her. We probably needed more than milk. I needed to get myself together because I was zoning out on my kids, and they needed me. I’m all they have. No, I’m not. They have their father. But, he has other obligations that are more important than we are. Just thinking about it, pissed me off.
“Mommy,” Safiya and Sagourni screamed as they came racing down the stairs.
“Why can’t we go back to school?” Sagourni asked.
“Because we’ll die,” Safiya answered. “Haven’t you been watching the news?”
I just looked at them. No matter, how I was feeling they had a way of putting a smile on my face.
“I do. But that man with the funny hair said we could go back out.”
“No more news for you.” I laid a sketch of my latest design on the desk and followed them into the family room where Sahara and Saylor were watching Trolls.
“If you all need anything from Wal-Mart, let Sarabi know,” I told Sahara as I walked in the kitchen to prepare lunch.
As I was preparing the subs for the girls, I kept thinking about my night of passion with my supposed to be dead husband. How could I have been so stupid? I had no idea where or what he had been doing for the last two years. And, in a moment of weakness I made love to him. Without making him explain the entire story without protecting myself. I needed answers. I deserved answers.
“Mom, Aunt CoCo is calling,” Sahara said as she handed me my phone.
I took a deep breath before I answered because CoCo would pick up on the slightest little thing. “Hello.”
“Hey girl.” She sounded happier than usual.
“What’s got you so happy?”
“Girl we’re going to blow up.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about the designs you emailed me the other day. I sent them over to an associate of mine, and they want us to use them in the new Black Panther movie.” She sounded so excited, but all I could think about was Cartier.
“That’s wonderful.” I wasn’t as enthusiastic as CoCo, and she picked up on it.
“Ok, talk to me what’s going on? Did Cartier call you again?”
“What?”
“Did Cartier call again?”
“No, he didn’t.” I sat the tray of subs on the counter. “Girls come get lunch.”
“Then what’s going on? I know when something is up with you.”
I debated rather or not to tell CoCo about my encounter with Cartier a few days earlier, but I decided against it. I didn’t want her judging me for sleeping with my husband. But, most importantly I didn’t want to judge myself for sleeping with him.
“It’s just all this mess about the schools closing. Social distancing. The girls are tired of being cooped up in the house.”
“I know that’s right. Jaylon is about to drive me crazy. How about his little girlfriend is over here? I know one thing. His ass better not make no damn babies,” she laughed.
CoCo was talking my head off when the doorbell rang. I checked the monitor to see who it was. FedEx. “Are we expecting a delivery today, “ I asked Sarabi.
She grabbed her iPad. “No mam not today.”
“Alright,” I said as I made my way to the front door. The driver left the package in our usual spot on the front porch. I grabbed the box and headed into my office. Coco was still chatting away as I opened the box.
“CoCo, the girls are screaming in the other room. Let me call you back.”
“No problem. Love ya.”
“Love you too,” I told her before ending the call.
I pulled a flip phone out of the box and laid it on my desk. I was trying to figure out what to do when it started ringing. Unknown. “Cartier,” I mumbled. Before I answered I closed the office door and turned the TV on, so the girls wouldn’t hear me.
“Hello.”
“Hey baby.”
Hearing his voice this time was as traumatizing as it was the other night. “How you doing?” I didn’t know what else to ask or say.
“I’m good. How are you holding up?”
“I’m ok.” I was lying. I wasn’t okay by a long shot. Who would be in my place?
“ I heard school they closed school. How is Sarabi taking it?”
“She’s not. Our little bookworm has scheduled one-on-one conferences with her teachers every day.”
“My girl.”
I know he didn’t call to talk about the coronavirus. “Cartier.”
“Baby I’m coming home. I don’t know when or how long it’s going to take. But, I’m coming home.”
I sat there numb.
“Did you hear me? I’m going to fix this.”
You better. This is all your money hungry ass fault, I thought to myself. “I heard you.”
“Listen, I have to go, but I’ll call you back tonight at 10.”
“Make it 11. We’re having family night tonight at 8.”
“11 it is.”
And, just like that he ended the call. My emotions were definitely all over the place. I was likely to lose my mind in the midst of everything.
Babe I love you!
I love you too!
I didn’t think when I replied to his text. Two years seemed like an eternity without him in my life. And, for whatever reason he chose to leave us, I still loved him. I just can’t turn it off. I know that sounds crazy or may even make me sound weak. But, it’s the truth.
After, lunch Sarabi informed me that our order was ready at Wal-Mart. Which was just what I needed because I needed to get out of the house to think.
“Mommy, can we go,” Safiya asked as I was heading to the garage.
“No,” Sahara stated as she walked up behind them. “Mommy needs some me time. Come on let’s make some deep-fried Oreos.” Then she gave me this strange look, like she knew. Like she knew that her dad was here the other night.
Or, maybe I was just being paranoid. I don’t know.
On the way from Wal-Mart, I stopped by the cemetery to place fresh flowers on Cartier’s grave. I know it seemed strange. But, I needed to talk without people judging me. So, what better place than the cemetery. No one was going to say a word.
“You came to visit me the other night,” I said as I removed the old flowers from the vase. “I know what you’re thinking. You thinking I should have known that you were alive because it were no body and no phone. Honestly, I just thought your phone was blown to pieces like you.”
I turned around when I heard a car door slam. Someone else was dropping flowers off, for someone they knew was dead. Unlike me.
“Why didn’t you tell me the plan? We were best friends and told each other everything. At least, I thought we did.” Tears started to roll down my face because I think mourning someone who’s not dead is worse than mourning someone who is.
My phone started ringing. It was Sahara. I wiped the tears before I answered. “Hello.”
“Mom, are you ok?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. You guys alright.”
“Yes mam. It’s just that you’ve been gone almost two hours.”
I didn’t realize I had been gone so long. My normal Wal-Mart run took about 30 minutes. “I stopped by to put fresh flowers on your dad’s grave.”
“Alright. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“I am baby. I’m on my way now.” I couldn’t imagine how she was feeling. She had already lost one parent, and I know she was scared to death about losing another one. So, the thought of Cartier coming back home was what they needed.
By the time I got back home, Sahara had put Saylor down for her afternoon nap. Safiya and Sagourni were doing activities on their iPad. And, Sarabi was on Zoom with her math teacher.
“Need help putting the groceries away,” Sahara asked.
“Sure.”
“Sarabi is becoming a pro at keeping us stocked up.”
“She is. I was surprised when they put the tissue and paper towels in the car.”
“She thinks ahead. We still have two huge family packs in the pool house.”
When she said pool house, I thought about Cartier. The way he made my body feel, still sent chills down my spine. A smile ran across my face for the first time since I thought about that night.
“Mommy can I ask you something?”
“Sure, baby.” She had a serious look on her face. “What’s going on?”
“Hmm.” She grabbed the bag of apples, “The other night when I came downstairs to get some water. I saw the light on in the pool house.”
Oh my God, she saw her dad. Don’t panic. Whatever you do don’t panic, I told myself.
“I was about to come out there when I saw a man leaving out.” She raised her eyebrows. “You didn’t tell me you were seeing someone?”
I didn’t know what to say. I was praying that she hadn’t seen his face. “You saw him?”
“Not his face. I figured you were trying to keep him a secret.” She sat the bag of apples down and looked over her shoulder. “Mommy it’s been two years. Daddy is not coming back. I know it’ll take Sarabi some time to come around. But, she will.”
“You told her?” Please God let her say no.
“No. I just know how much she misses Daddy.”
“Listen, it was just a one-time thing.” I couldn’t believe I was discussing my sex life with my 16 years old.
“Ok. A booty call,” she laughed. “No judgment from me. But, I do hope you used protection.”
“Girl put those apples up,” I chuckled.
Three Weeks Later
“Mommy are you ok,” Sahara asked from outside my bathroom door. I couldn’t respond because I was hurling my guts out.
“Oh my God, does she have COVID-19,” I heard Sarabi ask.
I managed to pull myself off the floor. “I’m fine. I don’t think the eggs are agreeing with me this morning.” I grabbed the phone to send Cartier a text.
I’m pregnant
